Thorns
by UnderTheGrave
Summary: Shizuo becomes the hand that plucks the petals away, but gets pricked by the thorns. He will have to live with this for many years. Can a monster ever be forgiven, though? Warning: Rape and mentions of incest in the first chapter.
1. Chapter 1

Kasuka had been gone. Out with mother, rehearsing for the lead role in a childrens' movie. Shizuo dreaded that day when Kasuka hopped into the back seat of the car and waved to him. He dreaded the look he saw his mother shoot to his father. It was a scary look, young Shizuo thought. It seemed to say 'Hurt him and I _will _find out.'

But Shizuo looked back into the cold, empty stare of his father, who in return looked back down at him with a twisted smirk.

"We're going to have fun, aren't we?"

The car turned and was gone, eaten up by the bend in the rode and the hill blocking the view. Shizuo knew that his strength could not conquer what was to come that night, and the nights after. A whole two weeks, to be exact.

And no more than two days later, Shizuo was at least a mile away from his house, down by a small little creek about two miles from the city. The 11 year old was still sore. He rubbed his arms gently, which were grazed in scratches and bruises. One hand traveled to his neck, which was equally covered in large, purple marks. They throbbed at the touch. His behind also groaned in protest at whatever little movement the brunette boy attempted.

He studied little snails under the surface of the murky water, clinging to rocks covered in algae. The stream was infested with algae. Shizuo guessed this was the stream city sewage led out into, and didn't dare step in, despite how much his wounds needed cleaning.

His heart felt twisted. He felt dirty. Most of all, he felt like a monster. Such things, he had heard his mother telling his father, were disgusting and inexcusable. Did that mean mother thought of him as disgusting and inexcusable? Was father punishing him? Or what his father the disgusting one?

His head hurt from all the thinking. He clutched his ears in an attempt to stop the ringing from inside his head. He heard his father's voice. The same from last night.

It was husky and rugged. It seemed sarcastic and mocking. Shizuo had been able to look over his shoulder as well, to see a cruel yet pleasured look on his father's face as he tortured his raw insides.

"This is your fault. You provoked me. Bitch. Bitch. You're disgusting, Shizuo. You're distorted." And Shizuo would be thunked on his head. He could recall his vision darkening, and figured he must have passed out. But he was still aware of the painful fucking at his lower half. He was still aware of the blood on the mattress beneath him and his father. His own father.

Shizuo started to weep. He pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face in them. He choked on loud, shaky sobs, his whole body convulsing and shivering. He didn't want to remember, but he could stop the picture of his father's face from returning into his mind. Or those words.

_You're disgusting. Distorted._

"You are crying. Why?" A small voice rose from behind the brunette, who spun around and wiped his face furiously with his sleeve. A raven-haired boy with sparkling crimson eyes squatted down in front of him.

Shizuo suddenly felt a pang of jealousy. The boy in front of him looked so perfect. There was not a single bruise or scrape on his pale skin. His smile was wide, and his eyes were bright with happiness. Shizuo could not remember the last time he himself had looked like that.

"None of your business."

The boy across from him was not fazed. Shizuo wondered if he had even heard.

"My name is Izaya. What's yours?"

The friendliness of Izaya irritated the the brunette greatly. How dare he talk to him as if he knew him!

"Shizuo," he growled lowly. Izaya's annoying grin grew and he shoved his hand out to Shizuo, who only stared at it warily. "I will call you Shizu-chan! Do you like that name, Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo snapped as he studied those arms. So perfect. He wished he was untouched and perfect. It wasn't fair. Izaya didn't deserve all that happiness! If Shizuo couldn't, no one could!

Izaya yelped as his wrist was snatched into an iron grip. "Shizu-chan! That hurts!" He squirmed, his smile wavering. He clearly wasn't sure if Shizuo was serious or was playing.

The rage swelled inside of Shizuo, twisting his face into a scowl. Izaya continued to pry at the hand on his wrist, whining and complaining. How dare he! He didn't know real pain! Shizuo would show him what he had to go through!

Izaya let out a pained cry as he was shoved onto his back. He stared up, wide eyed, at Shizuo, who was then looming over him with an arm on each side. His gaze was dark and malevolent. His scowl frightened Izaya.

Shizuo hooked his fingers onto the hem of Izaya's pants and ripped them clean off, underwear and all. He ignored the startled cry that rose up from beneath him, and pried the legs apart and threw them on either side of him. His hands fumbled with his zipper and he pulled out his limp length, stroking it to life slowly. Izaya stared up at him in fear. He had no idea what had been going on, and feared if he even wanted to know.

His thoughts were cut short as Shizuo penetrated him roughly and without warning. He shrieked and thrashed about, only to be flipped over, his waist held firmly and Shizuo bucked up into him harder. His screams grew louder with each erratic thrust. Shizuo felt blood smear the front of his pelvis, and his own conscience screamed at him to stop.

_You're too strong! You're hurting him!_

But he didn''t. The screams of Izaya angered him further. He grabbing onto the raven locks and shoved Izaya's face into the dirt. The boy came up babbling and pleading, dirt smearing with the tears on his face.

_Something isn't right _Shizuo told himself. _Father does this with such a normal expression. Father doesn't have to keep stroking himself to remain hard..._

"Shizu-chan...!" Izaya pleaded, his voice worn out and raspy from all his screaming. It was then just above a whisper. "Why are you killing me? What did I do, Shizu-chan...?"

Shizuo grumbled out a reply through all his thrusting, not knowing the reason he was doing this either. He was not focused on the very small amount of pleasure he felt. He was too focused on Izaya's trembling body.

His terrified look. The sorrow. The tears and mud caked onto his face as his forehead pressed into the ground and his fingers dug into the dirt. Shizuo then wondered if that was how he looked when father had first done these things to him.

He wondered if this made him like Daddy, and Izaya was like him.

Izaya was now in Shizuo's shoes, feeling everything he felt. Shizuo reminded himself that he knew the pain Izaya was feeling. But it didn't feel as great as he wanted it to be to show Izaya these feelings. It only felt like he had destroyed something beautiful.

Like he had plucked all the petals from a glorious flower. And he himself was also a flower plucked of its petals. Daddy was the hand which tore away the innocence and beauty from Shizuo, and now Shizuo was tearing away the same petals he wished he still could possess.

With that thought, Shizuo stopped thrusting into that tight cavern and pulled away. Izaya pulled his knees to his chest and wept softly. Shizuo reached out, but couldn't bring himself to touch Izaya.

He feared to be pricked by the thorns.

"Izaya," Shizuo wept. The younger boy did not reply.

"Izaya, I'm so sorry..."

Shizuo gathered Izaya's torn pants and underwear and folded then neatly by his victim's head.

Still no response.

Shizuo brought his hands to his face and cried softly, guilt washing over him. He turned and ran back in the direction of his house, leaving the bloodied boy alone by the creek.

_I am the hand who plucked the petals from a flower._

_But I was pricked by it's thorns._

_..._

**A/N: Well, this is the most depressing thing I've written. o-o But if you liked it, hated it, or felt it could have been better, please review and critique. It was hard to bring myself to write this, considering I'm one who usually writes humorous fics. But I am pretty proud of it, despite how hard it was to bring it to a powerful ending... Or at least, I hope it was a powerful ending. You tell me. ^_^**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I actually wasn't planning to continuing this... But it's been over a year and I've seen all your reviews about continuing, and they've inspired me. I'll warn you; updates might be spaced apart because of my school work, but I will try to make each chapter worth it. I really don't know how long I'm going to make the story but I'll see where it ends up.**

**There will be no more rape in this story, by the way. Only flashbacks and mentions of it. If that disappoints you... well then... sorry? ._.' THERE MIGHT BE A SEX SCENE. I DON'T KNOW I DON'T WANT IT RUIN THE DEEPNESS OF THE STORY YOU KNOW? Post your suggestions as reviews. I really will probably take a lot of your ideas into consideration. This chapter won't be too long. Just consider it a prologue after the prologue.  
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The school psychologist sat idly in his chair, scribbling something down on his notepad as the student sat in silence on the other side of the room. His foot was tapping nervously and he gritted his teeth irritably at the 'no smoking' sign hanging next to the door. Of all the places in the world, why couldn't he smoke in school?! The whole place felt like Hell itself, minus the fire. Just looking at that _bastard _therapist stressed him out.

His hazel eyes darted between the clock and the door. "Can I leave now?"

The wannabe therapist glanced up from the notepad, staring critically at the fidgeting blonde. "We still have 10 minutes left, Mr. Heiwagima. You haven't spoken at all."

The stoic teen clenched his fists as if to warn the tight-assed dickwad not to mess with him. The dark-skinned, glasses toting man did not have to be told twice. Even he feared Shizuo Heiwagima.

"That's it for today then," he uttered, smoothing down his greasy black hair. Shizuo sprung up and darted towards the door. He heard the man yell something after him in a nagging tone, but he didn't bother to stay and listen. He escaped into the hallway just as the morning bell rang. The long, winding school tunnels were like highways jam packed with obnoxious drivers using whatever lane they wanted. Shizuo didn't have to worry much about being bumped into. People avoided him like he had the plague, but he didn't mind. He actually preferred it that way.

The morning classes were always the easiest. When lunch came around, though, Shizuo started to feel a constant, nagging pain in his heart. Next period, he'd see a familiar face he'd come to despise. His hatred was based on fear and regret, but he'd never tell a soul his true reason. Whenever he got near the guy, he'd get flashbacks of his own traumatic experiences. All those classes and help sessions for his PTSD throughout middle school had meant nothing now, because that little pest had returned. Izaya Orihara had come back to haunt him just as his life had been healing from its scars.

When Shizuo first saw him, he nearly ran. All he could see was his father as those crimson eyes burned into his rigid form. His mouth was locked shut. How could he ever apologize with Shinra there, introducing them as if they had never met? His shock subsided quickly and was replaced with confusion. Izaya was smirking and clapping as if he didn't remember at all.

Suddenly, Shizuo snapped and the voice of his father whispered in his ear.

_Why should you feel sorry? I don't feel sorry and neither should you._

And for the first time since his sixth grade year, Shizuo complied with his father's wishes.

The first thing that left his lips since that faithful day was not an pained "I'm sorry," or a heartfelt "Forgive me." No, not even close.

"You piss me off."


	3. Chapter 3

_I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad person._

Shizuo's lips silently uttered these words subconsciously whenever the flea walked by. Shizuo would usually shove his nose into a text book or doodle cubes in his notes, flinching away from that menacing aura on the somehow smug form. The real part that twisted his veins into tightly coiled springs of rage was the fact that Izaya would _challenge_ him. The challenges were small at first, but quickly grew out of control. Shizuo faced expulsion numerous times and barely was able to graduate. At some points, he felt as if his life was being threatened by the multiple gangs constantly swarming him.

And yet Izaya was always grinning like the Cheshire Cat whenever they came face to face. Did he even remember? Why else would he be making Shizuo's life into a living hell?

"It's simple," The blonde grimaced at the nickname. They stood in the empty hallway, Shinra standing by the raven's side. Shizuo's fist was raised up to Izaya's porcelain face, ready to strike. He swore he could pick up an undertone of bitterness whenever the familiar nickname was uttered. "I just hate you, _Shizu-chan_."

_I'm not a bad person._

Shinra never noticed. He found enjoyment in the twos' constant to-the-death battles. If he had known the real reason, Shizuo highly doubted he would have felt the same way.

Celty, however, always noticed that something was off with her friend whenever the future-informant came around. Izaya was naturally an extremely sarcastic person to everyone he came across. Shizuo was no exception, of course, but the sarcasm quickly became spiteful around him. Shizuo often acted off as well. His adamant and sure-footed nature somehow morphed into denial upon the sight of the flea. Perhaps, she told herself, she was only imagining it.

Aside from her, everyone passed it off as mutual and unreasonable hatred.

Even Kasuka.

The younger of the two brothers was the reason Shizuo always continued on. He was the reason his father was now rotting in prison. Thanks to his large fortune after becoming a popular children's movie star the years before, he and their useless mother were finally able to afford a lawyer for Shizuo. But no, even he never knew about Izaya.

Shizuo had never told a soul and swore to himself he never would. Was it out of shame for himself? He didn't like contemplating about anything relating to Izaya.

"...I hate you too, you fucking flea," the neanderthal growled. Their narrowed eyes burned into each other for a split second before they both walked away. A conflicted Shinra looked back and forth between both of them and, letting out a disappointed whimper at the lack of violence, scurried after Shizuo.

"You two should try to get along," the future doctor nagged, swinging his school bag beside him as Shizuo neared their apartment complex. The brunette was met with a grunt rather than a goodbye and the blonde walked a little quicker than needed to the elevator that led to his floor.

Shizuo and Shinra's apartment complex was just outside the city limits, but was still within walking distance of the school. Shizuo's room had not been remodeled since the day he moved in with his foster parents two years ago. Model airplanes hung from the off-white, textured ceiling and the walls were painted baby blue. Even when he first arrived and saw the room, he grimaced.

He had just turned 13 when he came, and the last thing he wanted was to remember his youth. The youth that he'd never had, anyway.

He slung down his bag to the beige carpet and collapsed onto his overly-stuffed mattress. His arms rested behind his head and he studied the ceiling fan. He was finally safe. The small, mostly empty bedroom was his sanctuary; the only bed he knew that didn't smell of blood and musk and shame.

~...~

Then came the day that would haunt Shizuo for many years. Ten years, to be exact. It would be the day when a fraction of his doubt would be split open. It was the day when the ugly truth would rear up its ugly head once more.

Shizuo had been staring out the window of his room, watching small rivulets of water slide down the freshly cleaned glass. The black cell phone sitting on his computer desk buzzed and he sauntered over to check it. The lit-up screen revealed an annoying picture of Shinra sticking out his tongue at the viewer, which the doctor put on their while Shizuo had been sleeping. The blonde's thumb pressed the 'view' button.

_I can't find Izaya. No one can. He didn't show up at his house late night and his parents are going crazy. Did you finally manage kill him?_

The strong hand holding the device nearly crushed it. Why the hell did this guy think Shizuo gave any shit about the creature that haunted him at all times? The teen set the phone down, deciding to ignore the useless question and get ready for school.

It was still dark and cold morning dew still glazed the freshly trimmed grass that was planted in front of the school. Shizuo always arrived this early; no one else would arrive for another two hours. The school locker room was the only safe haven in the school for him; he'd never seen the flea enter it once.

His school boots tapped against the tile floors of the hallway, the sound echoing off the painted cinder block walls. He stopped at his locker and dumped his school work form the night before inside, then slammed the metal door shut. He turned in the direction of the locker room and froze. His eyes were glued to the ground a few paces ahead, where a few droplets of blood formed a trail towards his destination.

He passed it off as a nosebleed the janitor failed to mop up the night before and sauntered into the damp, dirty boys' room. The eerie sound of a leaky shower head was always there to relax the brute. He spread his body out on the nearest bench and put his hands behind his head.

A sudden clank of metal and shuffling coming from the dark entrance leading to the shower area caused Shizuo to startle into a sitting position. His eyes narrows and his brows creased. This was supposed to be his spot, he growled in his mind, growing mildly annoyed.

He remained quiet, curious to see who could be trespassing in his den. He waited for a while, but no one emerged from the pitch black section of the locker room.

He slowly started to settle back down. Not even a minute later, he felt a gust brush by his head and he shot up. He halted, freezing at the sight of Izaya, who was also frozen in place in front of him, switchblade in hand.

"Flea!" he shouted, scrambling to his feet. He took a good look at his tormentor and clenched his fists. There was that dreaded smirk.

Despite acting completely normal, the raven looked a little disheveled. There were bags under his eyes from lack of sleep and his hair was scrambled. He didn't look the least bit startled at Shizuo's outburst.

"What a pleasant surprise," the other male finally cooed, shoving his hands into his pants pockets as far as they would go.

"Can it, pest." Shizuo stepped forward, Izaya stepped back. That's how it always went. A distance between their bodies ways always kept. and nothing would break that barrier for the next ten years. "The fuck are you doing here?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you claimed this spot."

"Did you stay here all night?" Shizuo suddenly remembered Shinra's text. Izaya's dark, neatly trimmed eyebrow perked questioningly, as if wondering how such a neanderthal could piece that together.

"Why would you think that, Shizu-chan?" he replied caustically. "Aw, were you worried about little, helpless Izaya?" The raven's eyes challenged Shizuo's soul, which they stared at through the blonde's hazel orbs. His lips peeled back into a smirk, revealing his teeth.

_Little, helpless Izaya._

Shizuo suddenly felt nauseous, but he willed himself not to stagger or lean towards the nearest trashcan. There was silence as the brute fumbled with the thoughts circulating in his brain.

"Go kill yourself," he growled finally, making himself sound as menacing as possible although his heart was racing. This was the longest conversation they had ever shared with one another before all hell would break loose.

Izaya took the blow readily. He shot back a quick reply that seemed to have lowered his voice just above a whisper.

"I died a long time ago, Shizu-chan."

_Why are you killing me? What did I do, Shizu-chan..._

Izaya had turned and left at that, one flickblade-wielding hand leaving his pocket and swinging at his side as he did so. Usually, Shizuo would have been relieved at the flea's departure, but he remained frozen in shock as the repressed flashback returned back to him. He threw himself at the trashcan and heaved.

It was the first time his facade had been broken. There wasn't a shred of confusion any longer. Shizuo was being pricked by thousands of Izaya's thorns, and he now knew that this was Izaya's intention. But part of him now knew he deserved every last blow the flea would throw at him.

The teen pulled back from the stench now leaving the brim of the can and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. He put his back against the empty, blank wall and slid down until his bum hit the cold, tile floor. He brought his knees to his chest and finally snapped. He wept silently, choking back sobs even though he knew no one could hear them.

Little did Shizuo know, Izaya had let his walls crumble the night before. For the blonde, the familiar droplets of blood that had followed his tormentor out the door remained a mystery.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: This loosely follows some events in the light novel, but you do not have to read it to understand. It mostly applies to the anime. Again, sorry for slow updates.**_  
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_"One day I will find a way to stop this and you won't be able to touch our son ever again."  
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_"You need me, you dumb cow. You'd be on the streets without me."  
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_"These things are disgusting and inexcusable! Only a monster could do these things to another person!"  
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Shizuo Heiwagima shifted in his sleep as the all too familiar dream replayed for the fourth time that month in his head._  
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_"Why are you killing me?"  
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_"Why, Shizu-chan?"  
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_"Why?"  
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_"Why?"  
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_Why?  
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Shizuo shot up, sweat covering his body entire body. His chest heaved and he ran a hand through his damp hair. "Fuck," he grunted as he collected himself. The sun was pouring in through the window, lighting up his small, shabby room that was half of his actual apartment. He looked around and finally tossed off his red comforter. _  
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Despite the apartment he'd bought straight from dropping out of college being a bit run down, Shizuo kept the place very organized. His clean clothes for the day were folded and set on his desk chair, which sat right next to the head of his king-sized bed.

"Only a monster could, huh?..." He scoffed a bit as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood. He slipped off his blue boxers and scooped up his clothes, stealing a glance at the alarm. He didn't have to be awake for another two hours, but there was no way in hell he'd be able to go back to sleep.

He headed to the bathroom and turned on the shower, ignoring the morning wood obnoxiously extending from his lower body.

"25 and still like a teenager. Fucking depressing," he grunted to himself. He stepped under the shower head and turned the water to cold in order to tame the beast, but it didn't have much of an effect. He'd have to live with it for the morning, because he didn't want to touch such a vile part of himself.

After thoroughly washing his hair and body, Shizuo got himself dressed and shaved. He headed to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of milk. Whenever a nightmare from his past shook him from his sleep, Shizuo would settle for leaning over the railing of his balcony, watching the early commuters scurrying by many stories below. Sometimes he would remind himself that the fall from his balcony would be enough to kill even him.

~...~

Morning, Shizuo," greeted the blonde's employer, Tom Tanaka. The younger russian girl, Vorona, also stood on the street corner next to their employer. Her soft, pale lips gently upturned into a smile, but her icy blue eyes remained as challenging as they'd always had. Shizuo grunted at them both, taking a drag from his smoke that literally burned away half of the cigarette.

The two exchanged glances of confirmation with one another. Shizuo was in a bad mood. Again.

After that day of threatening the lives of many stingy, dead-beat civilians, Shizuo was sitting down in a booth at Russia Sushi next to Vorona. Tom was sitting across from them, putting his card into the bill and setting it at the end of the table. "I'll be right back, going to the bathroom," he said a bit too cheerfully, obviously trying to hide his exhaustion from keeping Shizuo at bay all day.

Vorona scooted a bit closer until her side pressed against the older man's, who had been staring blankly down at his plate since it has first got there.

"Don't like sushi?" She started. Her russian accent caused her words to come out slow, but her voice was beautiful nonetheless. He grunted a bit in reply, causing her to bite her lip in slight frustration. "Shizuo, look at me for a second."

He obeyed hesitantly, eyes hidden behind the purple tinted sunglasses he always wore. He'd just then noticed how she had moved closer.

She started talking, thinking about her words before stating them out loud. The door to the restaurant swung open and the blonde's eyes flicked towards it instinctively. There the flea stood, smirking from ear to ear. Shizuo grimaced slightly, but Vorona didn't seem to notice. She was continuing to talk, but her words flew right passed his ears. Izaya's crimson eyes met his and held for a fraction of a moment, that same dreaded grin Shizuo had been living with for so long surfacing once more.

After a recent attack Izaya had faced that had lead many to believe he was dead, he rarely would show his face around Ikebukuro. An actual fight between the two hadn't broken out between the two since Izaya's stunt with Kasuka right after all the Dollars commotion had settled. What the brute figured would be a huge relief had only been causing more flashbacks to haunt him in his sleep. He always feared the next run in with the flea, so he never let his guard down.

The raven broke the gaze and gracefully skipped to a booth on the farthest side of the building. Shizuo couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. Still, the tension of being in the same area with him was still causing the hairs on the back of his neck to prick.

"Shizuo? What is it? Are you even listening?"

Shizuo quickly brought himself back to reality, meeting the gaze of the frustrated russian spy. "Yes," he said simply. Her pleasant features were tinged in pink and her eyes were hard and downcast. She had finally gotten his attention.

"Really? You will?"

"I meant yes as in I was listening... Now what did you ask?"

She let out an exasperated sigh, but the powerful punch she gave Shizuo's shoulder was slightly playful. "You're really something."

He shrugged and took a sip of his soda nervously, suddenly feeling a pair of eyes on him. His rage was building. "Just tell me, damnit. I want to go home."

He felt a small tinge of guilt at her look of disappointment. His words had come out harsh due to the uneasy feeling in his gut. His rage was starting to swell as the feeling of being watched by the flea persisted. Surely he couldn't hear, now could he?

"I was going to ask if you wanted to do something after this. With me."

The brute was caught off guard, to say the least. He stood, unable to stand the tension any longer. "Let's get the hell out of here."

He snatched her arm and yanked her from the restaurant, ignoring her pleas of thanking Tom for the meal. He didn't stop until they were all the way around the block, when that persistent feeling of dread finally became masked once more.

But then a new feeling came to him as Vorona's words returned. He looked at the russian spy, who was rubbing her arm and glaring at him.

"You want to go out with me?"

The feeling was total discomfort.

But the blonde girl was grinning yet again.

_She forgives me way too easily, _Shizuo thought to himself. But in a way, it was a relief that he could be forgiven over even the most insignificant of things.

"How old are you, fifteen?" she punched him in the arm again. "Yes. A date."

The bodyguard frowned. He was probably the only grown male at his age who'd never dated a soul. Not like he'd tell a soul, of course. He glanced around. He knew he was away from the flea, but somehow, that dreadful feeling returned to him.

He pulled out another smoke to calm his nerves. He seemed to stand there for an eternity, watching the hope drain from Vorona's young, soft features.

And he nodded, despite himself.


	5. Chapter 5

_Shizuo must have woken that night. He rose from his bed. He was fully dressed in his bartender outfit. His vision was blurred and red. His feet took him out of his apartment, down the elevator, and through the streets of Ikebukuro._

_Shizuo's footsteps reverberated through the halls of the school. He was walking somewhere, but he didn't know where. He was in his old, faded blue school uniform. The old smell of Raijin crept into his nostrils and down to his lungs with each deep breath he took in. The light at the end of the corridor was red and dark. A ringing pierced through his ears, growing louder as he got closer to the end of the hall. The cinder block walls started to close in on him, and he started to run. He came to the end of the hall, which lead into the open stairwell. The walls crushed together behind him, blocking that exit._

_He heard a muffled whimper coming from the bottom of the stairwell, below him. He felt his feet begin to take him down the steps. He was screaming for them to stop._

_The whimpering grew louder and became crying. Shizuo reached the bottom floor and looked frantically._

_A dark form was curled up across the dark red room. Shizuo's feet took him to it once again. The form finally shifted. A pale face dusted with mud and dried tears turned up to meet Shizuo's mortified gaze. There sat the young Izaya, wearing the red Power Rangers shirt and black shorts he wore the day they first met. They looked like they'd been pulled up clumsily over his body. The raven's legs quivered violently. His hands were balled up into tight fists and held against his chest._

_Their gazes held. Shizuo felt himself get closer. His legs were moving on their own. Izaya stayed still, watching him come closer with some sort of acceptance of his fate._

_Then Shizuo saw himself in front of him in place of Izaya. In his confusion, he looked at himself. His hands were large and his arms were covered in coarse, dark hair. Shizuo knew those hands more than he should. They were his fathers._

_And the young Shizuo said, "You've been going backwards. Now look what you are."_

Shizuo shot up from his bed, panting heavily. His body wracked with shivers from the cold sweat covering him. He looked around, disoriented, as his vision slowly focused.

He scrambled out of bed and to the bathroom, where he spilled his late-night snack into the toilet. He staggered and leaned against the cold counter top of the sink, panting and staring at his disheveled self in the mirror.

He snapped. He headed back to his room, wiping his mouth, where he glanced at his alarm clock. It was only 2 AM. He put on his outfit anyway and went to the balcony. Even at that time of night, the streets below were still aglow with car headlights. The horns of the angry night-time commuters blared angrily. Shizuo stared at the concrete sidewalk beneath him intently.

_You can't. You're a coward._

Shizuo squeezed the railing until it became distorted in his hands. His eyes shut tightly as he sucked in his breath, forcing back tears that had been threatening to spill over.

At that moment in time, Shizuo accepted any sick, never-ending torture that Izaya could bestow on him. Suicide was the easy way out for some one like him, and he knew this. He shrunk away from the edge, sitting on the concrete floor with his face hidden in his arms.

_You don't deserve to let it end._

He felt sorrow and anger all at once. Why hadn't Izaya turned him in long ago? Who had the flea told?

Shizuo sat on the couch with a dejected huff and rested his head against the back of it. He stared at the ceiling fan, accepting his fate.

_I guess I'll never know._

**This is a short chapter, I know. It does go somewhere, though. Updates probably will be a little closer now. Thanks for your kind, thoughtful reviews, everyone. It's starting to get interesting.**


	6. Chapter 6

It had been six whole weeks since that night and seven since Shizuo had last seen Izaya at Russia Sushi. The days had passed by slowly and painfully. The blonde was always waiting for the raven to appear in front of him, wearing that sneer of his. Every time he turned a corner, he expected the flea to be there waiting for him, ready to eye him down judgmentally as Vorona held his arm against her as they walked.

It was night time in the city, and Shizuo was trudging through the rain with Vorona by his side. They were soaked, but the brute was unfazed. He stared off at the dark gray clouds concealing the moon and night sky.

"I don't get why we left so early. Your friend seemed really disappointed that we didn't stay long."

Shizuo grunted a bit at the sound of her voice. He shifted his eyes in her direction. "Shinra gets disappointed way too easily. He's just in shock I actually have a girlfriend."

The russian girl's brows furrowed slightly. "Maybe he'd been looking forward to meeting me. We've been dating for almost two months now and we just then had been formally introduced."

Shizuo turned his head away and rolled his eyes. "We're here."

They stopped in front of a tall, dark gray apartment complex. Vorona let go of her boyfriend's arm and pulled him under the awning with her and hugged him tightly.

"I should be going now," he said, turning away as he usually would.

"Wait, Shizuo," Vorona said urgently. Shizuo stopped mid-stride and turned back to face her. He stared expectantly.

"Your apartment's pretty far, and the weather's going to get worse."

He lifted his brow. "And?"

She rolled her eyes, amused. "Just stay the night with me."

~...~

Shizuo was standing in Vorona's living room, scanning his surroundings as she shuffled about in her bedroom. Her apartment was much nicer than his. The walls were a cream color and the furniture matched. He started to regret his agreement to join her for the night, even though the thunder from outside rolled across the sky, loud enough to shake the 24th floor of the apartment complex where Shizuo stood. The spy exited her bedroom, wearing a white, satin nightgown that stopped at her knees. Her cleavage was showing just enough to reveal the x-shaped scar on her left breast, which was the only reason Shizuo stared.

Although he realized he had been staring, he hadn't registered how it could have been taken until he felt a cool, soft hand cup his. He stared at the passionate blue orbs that searched for any kind of emotion in his face. Although they seemed full of affection, Shizuo could sense anguish deep within them. Somehow she sensed something.

"Shizuo, why don't you sleep in my room... with me?"

When Shizuo didn't reply, the grief became more apparent, and guilt suddenly struck him. He squeezed her hand back, feeling his heart seize. "Okay, Vorona," he said, attempting to reassure her with a softer tone than usual. "I will."

They walked there together and she pulled down the red comforter, followed by the matching red sheets. Shizuo froze for a moment, knees locked. A bed other than his own.

Vorona seemed to notice the tension and guided him down gently. The feather mattress dipped under their weight. Shizuo rested his head on one pillow and she did the same on the other. There was silence. Shizuo took in the scent. It was Vorona completely. The bed was warm and inviting to him, and he relaxed a bit.

He finally looked across to Vorona, who stared back at him with a look he couldn't place a finger on. As he examined it, trying desperately to interpret her emotions while keeping his hidden at the same time, he failed to notice that very face coming closer, closer... until...

Her soft pink lips melded against his dry ones, and his heart stopped. He remained rigid, staring back at her with an unchanged face. Her eyes were closed. Her face looked relieved but somehow desperate at the same time.

It was their first kiss. It was Shizuo, the 25 year old man's, first kiss.

He wanted to be happy about it, but all he felt was fear creeping up his throat and forming a lump within it. She pulled away to look at his face, and he told himself he couldn't break Vorona's heart even if he wanted to. He went in to kiss her back, hoping he would know what he was doing, and hoping he wouldn't throw up.

He felt her lips upturn into a smile as he returned the kiss. Her hands shot to his hair and brought their faces closer than Shizuo thought possible. Her fingers felt nice combing his blonde locks and rubbing his scalp, so he closed his eyes and focused on the feeling as they kissed.

What happened next felt like a blur. Vorona nudged Shizuo and he obeyed, getting up despite being confused. She pulled him over her. His arms rested on either side of her head and his lower body rested between her long legs. Her short nightgown rode up to her hips. She took Shizuo's hand and put it on her thigh. Out of instinct, he ran it down to her center and tensed upon the realization that she wasn't wearing underwear.

He wanted to stop. God, he wanted to stop.

Her hand was shaking a bit as it held his wrist. He looked at her.

God damnit, she wanted to keep going.

_Just give her what she wants. It's what you always did with dad._

He knew she wasn't the same. If she knew, Shizuo told himself, she would never do this. She'd never pressure him. She wasn't meaning to make him feel this way.

_It's not her fault. It's always yours. Just give her what she wants and be done with it._

His middle and pointer finger touched her wet, hot flesh right on her core, eliciting a gasp from her mouth. He looked up at her and she looked back to him, mouth twitching weakly into a smile.

"Don't tease, Shizuo."

But he did anyway. He was stalling, rubbing her clit and her silky wet folds back and forth. He knew she was questioning him in her mind. But in his pants, he was completely flaccid.

"Shizuo, you don't have to wait. I'm so ready for you... I've always been," she whispered. He gulped and unzipped himself. He willed his soft flesh to come alive before she noticed.

"Shizuo..." she said, sitting up. Her hands cupped his face. "Shizuo, look at me."

His eyes were clenched shut. His heart was beating fast, and yet none of it brought his member to life. He knew there was no way she couldn't have noticed.

"Shizuo! Damnit, look at me!"

He obeyed. Her confused eyes were growing moist and glassy. "Shizuo... I love you."

Time froze for him then. He stared at her, desperation coming from her face, clawing at his heart. He remained silent and watched her as she broke. He cursed himself to hell.

"Shizuo, do you not love me? Was this all a waste?"

He saw the first tear fall and he slid off of her and stood. He readjusted her trousers and turned.

"Shizuo!" Vorona yelled. He heard her choke on a sob. "What is it? Why can't you love me? I can't ever tell how you feel!"

He hurried towards the door, closing his eyes. Her questions stung.

_You're such a piece of shit._

He paused at the door to listen to her cries from the next room for a while, then quietly opened it and left.

He was standing in the rain, letting it soak his clothing. He watched the empty streets and the cars as they whizzed by, splashing the puddles of water onto Shizuo as they went.

_Where left is there for me to go now?_

Shizuo thought of the balcony of his apartment. He thought the fan and the neck tie and the dining chair he could kick out from under him. He thought about his full bottle medication in his top drawer that would be easy to swallow whole. Then he thought about Shinra and Celty. He thought about his foster parents and Kasuka. He thought about all the people who cared for him over the years.

Then he thought about Izaya Orihara. The first person that had ever reached out to him to offer friendship.

_The only way to go is forward._


	7. Chapter 7

Shizuo was leaning over the sink, washing his face vigorously with hot water to rinse the sleep from his eyes. His breathing was heavy and labored and he seemed to be in a daze. He looked around the room angrily and ripped the towel rack from the wall out of frustration.

This was getting out of hand, Shizuo told himself as he calmed down slightly. He pressed his back against the blank tile wall and slid down, catching his breath.

He was in his sleep wear; a pair of boxers. His hair was slicked with a sheen of hot sweat and disheveled from tossing and turning in his sleep. His throat was hoarse from the angry roar that left his lips as he had awoken. He just knew he'd be getting complaints from about half of the whole apartment building in the morning. And those would only be the ones who had the nerve to tell him.

He'd had a dream. A dream about that god damn flea again. It had been the sixth one since he was with Vorona in her apartment three days ago. As each vision passed, the grew progressively worse.

His sleep had once been his only escape from reality. Now, feared it even more than being awake.

"Can I not even be at peace in my dreams, Izaya?" the bodyguard whispered, glaring off at the bathroom door that stood wide open across from him, as if the man he was talking to stood there to listen. "I can't even have that anymore?"

Shizuo pressed the back of his head against the wall and stared at the ceiling, dejected. He closed his eyes, hoping the bathroom floor could give him more peace than his bed had.

His last choppy, short, and blurry dream played back through his mind again.

_"Shizu- Agh! No..."_

_The flea's voice. It was raspy and short. Full of fear. _

_"Shi-Ahnn..." A sob from Izaya shook Shizuo's body._

_Shizuo looked down. There was a blur of dark red between their two entangled bodies. He saw his own hips moving rhythmically and Izaya's feet kicking against his chest roughly. He looked into the flea's distressed crimson eyes and was met with utter hatred behind all of the pain being inflicted upon him. _

_Shizuo clamped his hands around Izaya's neck and his hands shot up to snatch his attacker's wrist. The raven's eyes widened with fear and he struggled beneath the blonde._

_"Shi-" The grip tightened to the point where Izaya could no longer speak. Only stare back at Shizuo in fear._

_And then he saw his own young face again._

_"Daddy why?"_

Shizuo clenched his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry as the face of Izaya in his dream remained in his mind's eye to haunt him. But suddenly, a spark of curiosity had been lit. He staggered to his feet and headed to his fresh outfit waiting for him in the next room and picked up the phone. He stared at it thoughtfully for a few moments before dialing a number he had memorized, but never called.

~...~

Shizuo was frozen like a block of ice, standing next to white iron bars in such a way that he was unable to see directly in. Other than the sound of a guard's heavy boots clacking down the hallway away from them, it was completely silent. The footsteps faded. Shizuo felt alone in the badly lit hallway.

The hallway of Fuchu Prison.

He was standing mere feet from his former tormentor, with only a simple barrier of iron bars painted sloppily with white to keep them apart

"Well are you gonna step up so I can see you or not?" an apathetic voice questioned from around the corner. "They told me you were coming. About time, don't you think?"

Shizuo's eyes hardened defiantly. His held his breath and stepped forward. This was it. No turning back, no running...

"My," he heard. Their matching hazel eyes met and silently challenged each other. "Didn't recognize you for a second. C'mere, Shizuo."

Shizuo remained where he stood, a good three feet from the bars. He studied the man across from him and felt his pulse quicken. His face was the same as before; cold and smug. Somehow, it was much emptier than Shizuo always remembered. The man hadn't aged well. Shizuo remembered his fathers slicked-down brown hair. It had been the same exact color as Shizuo's had been . Now it had long, twisted streaks of gray that mostly dominated any color left. His once closely-shaved chin was infested with curls of a forming beard.

"Come on, tough guy. What could I possibly do to you like this?"

And once again, Shizuo obeyed his father and hated himself for it.

The Heiwagima was sitting on a small cot with his big, thick hands on his lap. He was garbed in prisoner orange. His back hunched lazily.

There was silence for what seemed to be about twenty minutes. The older Heiwagima began picking his overgrown cuticles as if he'd lost interest. The younger of the two stared at him intently as if he was calculating every word that was about to pass through his lips.

"I came to ask you a question."

Those honey-colored orbs flicked Shizuo's way. "I figured you'd come because you wanted to see your old man reduced to a lowly prisoner," he stated dryly. "Why don't we talk about life, kiddo? I haven't seen you in over ten years."

Shizuo's eyed narrowed warily. "You don't care about how my life is going, Daisuke."

There was a laugh. "No 'Dad?' And not really," the man agreed. "Trying to make some conversation." He sat up straight and leaned in close to the bars. Shizuo's heart quickened. Too close. After all his years in prison, his dad still somehow smelled like alcohol and musk.

"I've been having a real good time here. Even the prisoners in for _murder_ love my kind," he said caustically. "Why else do you think I'm _secluded_ for my own safety?"

Shizuo refused to show his father his fear. Daisuke already knew he was the only man who could make his son seize with fear with a simple glance.

And_ he_ didn't even have to see him everyday throughout high school. _He_ didn't have to turn a corner in Ikebukuro, knowing his tormentor could be right across the street, or worse, right in front of him. Ready to throw something at him and kill him or worse...

He gulped as he thought this. Thought of Izaya... A puzzle piece fell into place at that moment.

"Whatever. What are you wanting to ask?"

Shizuo was brought back from his thoughts. "Why?"

He looked at his father's face. An untrimmed, bushy eyebrow rose. "Why what?"

Shizuo bared his teeth and got closer. To his surprise, his fathers demeanor changed to shock.

Shizuo felt a burst of confidence at this. "What do you think, you sick fuck?" the bodyguard growled menacingly. His father leaned back up to put distance between them. For the first time, Shizuo was in control. His father was the coward. "How could you? You've made me a mess. I've hurt other people and the reason always leads right back to you. I never want to be like you. _You're_ the _only_ person on this earth I hate other than myself. _You're_ the person I'd love to throw something heavy at to kill-"

He felt the guard from down the hallway eyes on him and he quieted down a bit. His father still looked back at him in silence.

"I can bend these bars like their toothpicks," he whispered, face right up at the bars. "Taking your place in prison would almost be worth it."

He was about to say more when suddenly his father hung his head and held his ears. "God damnit, you think I don't know that?! You think you have to tell me I'm a sick fuck? I get called that everyday! I've gotten called that ever since you had to force you way into this world."

Shizuo stopped, mouth still open with words waiting to spill out.

"I know I'm a sick fuck," his dad said slowly, staring at the ground. A moment of silence passed. For a moment in time, Shizuo thought he felt the true love of a regretful father. He almost felt the love a son had for a father. But that moment in time passed, and his dad looked back at him with a scowl. "but I don't regret anything I did to you, you ungrateful little shit. My life was miserable, so I had the right to take happiness away from you too."

And for another split second, Shizuo felt the cold rejection of his father break his heart, despite it all.

"I don't ever want to feel the way you do. I'm never going to be like you."


	8. Chapter 8

The tall blonde man was on a mission. When he returned from the prison, it had grown dark out. He took a long, hot shower to his thoughts. The scalding water rolled off his hair and body, cleansing him. He let out a long sigh as a rarely felt feeling gave him the will to sleep for the night. That feeling was hope. Although it was only a small sliver of it, it was there in his heart nonetheless.

"I'm not going to be like you," he repeated although he couldn't hear himself over the sound of water spraying from the shower head. He stood under the stream until the water turned cold.

He went to bed early and slept through the night. When he woke up, he dressed himself quickly and sent Tom a text, informing his employer he'd be at work that day.

He met at the usual place. Tom stood there waiting, Vorona beside him. Anxiety suddenly crept up on the blonde as he remembered his first objective.

Tom grinned happily. "Glad you could come back to work, Shizuo. Feeling better?"

Shizuo nodded, but his eyes remained of the girl. She looked back at him uncomfortably.

"Hey," she said curtly.

"Hey," he grunted back.

They worked together for the rest of the day, avoiding conversation as much as possible. Shizuo found himself searching for the fur-trimmed coat in the crowd, but it never appeared. As the day came to a close, that sliver of hope was becoming smaller. Where had Izaya been all this time? Shizuo was starting to give up.

Tom sensed something between the two workers and made a point to pay them and leave early. Vorona started to walk away as well.

"Get back here."

She stopped and cursed under he breath. "Shizuo, if you're going to apologize for before, don't bother. I should have seen it coming."

"I'm apologizing anyway," he stated simply. "I shouldn't have ever said yes to you before. You and me can never have something, and that's not your fault. So I'm sorry."

Her eyes softened slightly and she looked around to make sure no one had been listening. "I don't know what's holding you back, Shizuo... But once you know what you need to do to be happier with yourself, don't give up on doing that... I'll see you at work on Monday."

She punched his shoulder playfully and smiled weakly. She turned in left. He walked in the opposite direction with his hands stuffed in his pockets, remembering what she had told him.

Thanks to her words, he kept on looking into the night.

At about 12 at night, when his eyes were sagging and his back was hunched from his efforts, he heard a familiar neigh and turned to see Celty on the road beside him.

"Yo," he greeted, turning to face her completely. She typed away on her cell phone.

**What are you doing all the way in Shinjuku at this time?**

Shizuo scanned the text quickly. "I'm looking for the fle- Izaya. Do you have the time to take me to his apartment?"

The empty helmet stared back at him for a moment, and he sensed his friend's confusion. She started typing once again and held it out in front of his face.

**Are you going to try and kill him?**

Shizuo shook his head quickly. "I really need to talk to him. Will you take me to him?"

The dullahan seemed to think for a moment and nodded slowly. The blonde felt the anxiety from before return as he mounted the back seat of her horse.

He remembered the only other time when he'd come to Izaya's apartment to pin the Slasher events on him. He remembered how close they had been to one another. He remembered the floral smell of Izaya's cologne and the lifeless look in his crimson eyes. He remembered the way Izaya turned his face away from him when they got close and how he passed it off as a usual part of his act.

Then he recognized the building in the distance and started to feel the whole search was a waste. He began to feel like he couldn't face the man. Facing his tormentor had been easier than he'd thought. Facing his victim was more terrifying than he ever could have imagined.

The motor bike came to a stop and Shizuo dismounted, his legs wobbling a little. His heart was beating quickly. His eyes were glazed over. He started to head towards the entrance and felt Celty tap him.

He looked back. Even though she had no face, he knew how she was concerned by his behavior. He knew she was expectant.

"Celty, I-" he started. His throat caught. He tried clearing it again.

She put a hand on his shoulder to coax the words out of him.

"Celty, Izaya doesn't hate me for no reason... I... I did something terrible."

Admitting it out loud made him feel even worse. The dullahan's grip tightened slightly on his shoulder. He wondered if somehow she understood, even though he hadn't told her.

"I... I don't want to be the monster of Ikebukuro," he said lowly. "That's why I have to fix it. But he can't ever forgive me, I know it."

She stood still, her hand rested on his shoulder for what seemed like ages. Slowly, she drew her hand away to type. Her fingers pressed each key slower that usual, showing she was thinking deeply about what she should say.

**Even if he can never forgive you, y**ou have to forgive yourself.** I can see how this is affecting you, Shizuo. You know whatever you did was wrong and that is the first step to redeeming yourself.**

He felt relief when she didn't push the subject, but the fear didn't subside. He nodded jerkily. "You're right." He backed up, urging himself even though it was his feet's turn to scream at him to stop. "Thanks... Don't wait up, I'll get home a different way."

**His room number****'s 1498.**

The black biker watched him enter the building and he sensed her wishing him luck before a loud neigh echoed through the city. She was gone.

The elevator brought him up to the highest floor, making the wait even more agonizing. He watched the numbers pass by and he felt the elevator ease to a stop. The door slid open, revealing a hallway.

He walked past each door, reading the numbers as they led him closer to the man he was looking for.

1496.

1497.

1498.

He was right in front of the door that lead to Izaya. He felt like he was about to throw up.

_Why would he even let me in?_

Shizuo's hope was draining fast. He raised his hand to the door and knocked so lightly with his shaky hand that even he couldn't hear it.

_Even if you know he can never forgive you, you have to let him know you're sorry._

He knocked louder.

There were footsteps growing closer on the other side of the door. The knob on the door was turning.

He wanted to be forgiven so badly. More than he had expected. He felt like it wasn't just for him to feel better about himself anymore. It was so he could see Izaya smile for him once again. Like when they'd first met. So Izaya could be happy. Suddenly, he didn't give two shits about his own happiness. He wanted Izaya to be happy.

Then he started to crave an emotion he'd never craved before. He was craving to just be loved. His father didn't love him. His mother didn't care too much for him. All the years of only being loved by his brother and Vorona finally caught up to him then. He wanted to feel something other than hatred or apathy towards another person.

_What am I thinking? He probably won't even forgive me, so how could he ever love me?_

"What are you doing here, Shizu-chan?" Izaya's voice caught Shizuo off guard. There stood the man seeming too mortified to pull off a smirk at the moment. Shizuo swore he heard the flea's voice quiver. "What do you want?" He was demanding.


	9. Redemption

Shizuo stepped in the doorway only so Izaya couldn't close it on him. The raven jumped backward and fished a knife the pocket of his casual clothing.

"Stay out of my house. You can't come in my house."

Izaya was serious, making things for Shizuo even worse.

"I'm staying right here, Izaya. I won't come in any more than this if you want," the blonde said softly, a bit startled at his own voice.

Izaya seemed about ten times more startled. His knife wavered in his confusion. "Tell me what you want. I don't have anything for you."

"Izaya..." Shizuo started, fumbling for words. He stepped forward, forgetting what he'd promised before in his own confusion. This obviously angered the other, who threw the knife at him. It stabbed Shizuo in his leg, causing the man to stop and yank the cold metal out.

"You're bad at lying, Shizu-chan," Izaya said, obviously trying to be his normal self and failing. "I don't want you in my house. Get the fuck out."

Shizuo backed up to where he was, sobered by the wound. He watched Izaya pull his spare blade from his other pocket.

"Izaya, you remember then? By the creek?" he asked dumbly. Like there was any doubt of Izaya remembering at that point. "I raped you."

He noticed Izaya's eyes flutter and his knees wobble as if her were about to pass out. "N-no, that never happened. You're fucking crazy. Go away."

"I wanted you to suffer what I had suffered," the blonde said truthfully. He watched Izaya's eyed widen. "I saw you and I was jealous. Jealous of how innocent you were. Of how carefree you were. I wanted to take from you what my father had taken me." Shizuo's words were spewing from his mouth before he even thought about them. He watched Izaya's mouth open from shock and his breath grow short and heavy. "You were the first person who ever offered me friendship... You're still the first person I've ever wanted to accept romantic love from and return it."

He stepped closer again. Izaya stepped back, the knife quivering violently in his hand.

"I visited my father the other day at his prison. I asked him why he did what he did but he never told me. He told me he didn't regret what he did. He told me his life was miserable, and that gave him the right to make mine miserable as well. And all I could think of was how I felt that same way about what I did to you at first."

Izaya was listening, holding on to every word as if Shizuo would take it all back at any moment. His eyes were becoming glassy and wet.

"Then I realized that if I kept on thinking that way, I'd be no better than him. I had started to become the very thing I hated..."

Shizuo was finished. He didn't know what else he could say. He started praying to any god that could ever be out there for any word from the informant. Not one for sappy, heartfelt speeches, Shizuo gulped and gathered the courage to look at the informant. His heart skipped.

Izaya was quivering and blinking back a few tears. His eyes were downcast, looking at the beige carpet. He was startling to crumble. Any shred of the mask he'd worn all those years was gone.

"I've had to see you every day and hide everything all these years. I want you to suffer too, Shizuo."

Shizuo's chest seized. What did Izaya call him? It didn't even sound like his name coming from him.

"I never told anyone, not even my parents. I didn't want you to have the easy way of getting punished. I've worked so hard to make your life hell. Why can't you just take it? What about that girl of yours?" A tear rolled down Izaya's cheek but he wiped it furiously on his sleeve. "Why can't you just let me hate you?" he said softly. There were getting to be too many tears for him to properly wipe away. "I want to hate you. I want to torture you for _ruining_ me."

Shizuo stepped closer and the informant instinctively took a step back.

Shizuo took another daring step stepped without thinking about the wound he already had, but this time Izaya remained in the same place.

"Stay away from me," Izaya warned, but his words were weak and shakey.

Shizuo reached out for him, not really knowing what he was doing himself. His hand was slapped away, but he persisted. He tried pushing Izaya against the wall and was met with a slap across his face. But he kept going, even with the threatening prick of a switchblade at his chest.

After a few more smacks and shoves, the raven was forced into a strong hold that was as close to a hug as the brute could give. He wailed and banged his fists against the barrel chest pressing against him and finally gave up. The blade clacked onto the floor. The sound of surrender. He pressed his forehead against the wide chest and sobbed into the fabric.

Shizuo squeezed the body in his grasp, afraid he would slip away at any time. He stroked Izaya's face tenderly to ensure to him that he meant no harm and felt his heart seize when the other hesitantly leaned into his touch. His own eyes clenched shut to force back his own tears that threatened the spill over onto the flea's head. And finally, he let them.

For the first time, the two enemies were at peace with one another, weeping into the arms of each other. These tears were different. With each one that dropped from his chin came a surge of relief. He didn't have to play pretend anymore.

They stayed that way for ages, until Izaya's trembling legs started to ache. As if he had sensed it, Shizuo lifted his feet off the ground, still embracing him, and stumbled to the bedroom. He set down the small, quivering body and began to pull away. The hands that had been gripping the fabric of his vest shot around his neck, keeping him in place.

"Shizuo," Izaya uttered softly as if he were asking for something, and eye contact was made. Their eyes were puffy and their faces were red and sticky from dried tears. Shizuo clumsily flopped down next to him, still locked in his grip. He put a cautious hand to rest on Izaya's hip and somehow sensed Izaya being extremely aware of its presence there. They never stopped staring into the eyes of one another.

"Shizuo?" Izaya started weakly.

"Uh huh?"

"I'm sorry. For all these years of-"

The bodyguard scoffed and pressed their foreheads together. "Don't you fucking dare try apologizing to me… I'm sorry for everything. You can still make my life hell if you want. I'll take it every day for the rest of my life."

Izaya stayed silent, looking at Shizuo with a gaze that had been softening significantly. Was it because he now knew Shizuo's own dark history with his father, or was he guilty for all his years of torture and making the blonde question everything? But they were together, and he needn't ask another question. He pressed into the man next to him, inhaling the faded scent of sweat and cologne. Shizuo kissed his temple without thinking and heard the smaller man gasp. He felt an unfamiliar heat rise to his cheeks.

They pulled back to stare at each other.

"Shizuo?"

"Please call me Shizu-chan."

"Um, Shizu-chan?" Izaya asked, knowing his face was flushed. "I don't hate you. At all. And... there's always a chance for a do over..."

He saw Shizuo's hell of a world somehow brighten all at once.

"I love you too."

Shizuo rolled onto him and a frenzy of smacking lips ensued, unable to contain the sudden burst of confidence that possessed him. He started to pull away at the surprised, muffled gasp from the other and felt his heart skip when Izaya's fingers combed into his bleached locks to keep him in place. They kissed one another clumsily, teeth occasionally clacking in to one another, but they were unfazed. Shizuo's tongue parted Izaya's soft pink lips and went to work exploring every tooth and taste bud until Izaya flicked out his own tongue to brush against the invader. A bold hand darted up the informant's shirt to lightly pinch his nipple. Izaya moaned through the kiss and Shizuo pulled back to stare at the hot mess in front of him. The raven's crimson eyes were filled with desperation that encouraged Shizuo to continue.

And then the tearing clothes ensued. He peppered kisses down the writhing body of his soon to be lover that were alone enough to cause eager whimpering. The coil of heat in Shizuo's lower stomach mixed with a gut feeling of nervousness that wound all the way up to his throat, forming a lump there.

He tried to gulp it down to no avail. Izaya seemed to notice that he had paused and opened his eyes, staring up at the concerned form above him. Shizuo's long, tanned fingers were hooked on the maroon boxers of the man he had once recognized as his enemy, and the realization had caused him to freeze in place. It was the last article of clothing. Izaya's cool hand touched the blonde's to egg him on. Shizuo nodded and pulled them down tantalizingly slow.

They were both completely naked. Shizuo was obviously gawking at the body before him, and Izaya blushed self consciously and looked to the side.

He was gorgeous, thought the man above. A man like him still had no right to touch him, even if it were not under the same conditions as the time when they were younger. The pale, porcelain skin glistened under a sheen of sweet and his long, lean legs quivered, revealing that he was just as terrified. His black hair was plastered to his scalp and his lips were bruised from all the kissing. His chest was heaving from his crying and the new feeling stirring inside of him.

"God damn," was all Shizuo could say, and he felt like an idiot. For the first time ever, he saw the other man genuinely chuckle, so it was worth it.

With a gained bit of confidence, Izaya pulled him close, breathing hot air into his ear. Shizuo's hands roamed over the taut stomach pressed under his, tracing them down to his pelvis and then his main prize. A low moan poured from the informant's lips.

"Please, keep going," he cooed softly, squirming a bit and draping his legs around Shizuo's waist. The other began with long, slow strokes that quickly grew frantic and he palmed his own swollen arousal in time with his lover's wanton moans and sighs. This was the step when Shizuo would always be unable to proceed, but he kept on going.

"Coming..." the younger man exhaled, just as his seed pulsed from his flushed tip, some spurting onto Shizuo's stomach as the rest oozed onto his hand. Shizuo stroked his own faster and jerked as his hands were brushed away and replaced with the other's. With the simple touch from Izaya, Shizuo jerked forward and threw back his head, then came into those cool, velvety hands.

When he lolled his head back to stare at the man, his shaft sprang to life once more. The raven was licking the milky liquid from his fingers while staring at him pleadingly.

His head traveled south to Izaya's perfect, narrow but long shaft, still standing proudly and eagerly. Shizuo's pace quickened. He never imagined he would be giving another person pleasure in the way he was about to with Izaya after his father. He never imagined he'd been looking forward to it either.

He wrapped his moist lips around the upper part of his uke's shaft. His tongue flicked experimentally against the smooth pink tip. Izaya pre tasted like liquid sugar.

Fingers dug into his blonde locks and pulled, but he didn't mind. He took more of Izaya's arousal into his humid mouth before pulling his mouth back of the shaft with a suck that hollowed his cheeks. The fingers tugged a bit more and a whimper rose from the raven. "M-more..."

Eagerly, Shizuo obeyed, bobbing his head up and down. He took all of Izaya in, feeling him in the back of his throat. He hummed loudly, causing Izaya to form a perfect arch with his back that Shizuo simply couldn't resist any longer. He pulled his mouth off the blushing cock.

He pushed the informant all the way down as gently as possible and lifted those pale, long legs onto his shoulders. A curious hand groped the pert ass currently rubbing against his lower stomach. The other hand was spat into and rubbed onto the eager length that then rested between the cleft of the other's behind.

Izaya's quivering intensified, making it hard for Shizuo to ready his shaft at Izaya's entrance. The blonde paused. "Do you want my fingers?"

The informant shook his head impatiently.

"You want to stop?" Trying to hide the disappointment in the blonde's voice was completely pointless.

The man clenched his eyes shut and shook his head fiercely. Shizuo tried swallowing the nervous lump again to no avail.

"Look at me."

The other obeyed readily, staring at the caramel orbs gazing back at him.

Then came distantly familiar sting of penetration but the pain did not matter because Shizuo was over him, staring down at him with compassion and worry. With each grimace, the blonde stopped and waited until it was completely gone to continue. He couldn't live with himself if he messed this up.

The fear subsided finally when Izaya let out a small moan. Shizuo combed his fingers through the silky black hair, basking the the feeling of being completely cloaked inside the tight, sweltering heat of the other. He moaned in reply and leaned forward to pamper Izaya's earlobe with soft, tender strokes of his tongue, secretly admiring his flexibility. He eased back to the tip of his arousal and they watched together as the hot flesh dipped back inside.

Izaya threw his head back against the pillow and let his pitiful moans spew from his slacked jaw. His eyes rolled back. He arched up again which angled Shizuo's erection into his prostate.

"Shi-AH!" He jerked and reached out, trying desperately to hold on to some part of his lover for dear life. Shizuo's fingers on each hand intertwined with both of Izaya's and pushed them down flat onto the bed so they were next to Izaya's head.

The man on top started to withdraw slowly. He leaned in and kissed Izaya's neck tenderly and the raven turned his head towards him in an attempt to nuzzle him in return. Shizuo slammed back powerfully into that one spot, causing spasms to rip through Izaya's body. His insides tightened around Shizuo to the point where it was almost unbearable. Shizuo pulled back again and thrust forward. Izaya screamed as he saw a flash of white.

"Shizu..." the raven whined when the blonde stopped his movements. He peeled one eye open to look at the panting blonde.

"I have to stop for a sec, I'm about to cum already," he blonde whispered back through rugged breaths.

Izaya put a hand on Shizuo's cheek. "It's okay, I'm about to too..."

At that, Shizuo groaned shakily and tightened his grip on Izaya's hands. He bucked his hips forward like he'd never have the opportunity again, cherishing the moan that poured from the informant's lips.

"Fuuhhhck," Shizuo whispered, unable to hold his seed. He trusted into Izaya ruthlessly and pumped the raven's cock. The man beneath yelled out in bliss as he felt his insides fill with warm, pure Shizuo. He tightened, jerked, quivered, and shot his load everywhere.

Their lovemaking that night ranged from slow and cautious to frantic and desperate. After multiple rounds, Izaya was drooling, babbling mess and Shizuo was a lump that was collapsed over him. After finally managing to put together a coherent sentence about how Shizuo was heavy, the informant was rolled off of. He scooted his body closer to his lover's. They basked in the afterglow of their orgasms, arms and legs tangled in one another. Izaya listened to the thrum of Shizuo's heart in his chest as he faded into a long-awaited peaceful sleep.

Shizuo was still awake. How could he sleep after what had happened? For the first time ever, he felt something he wasn't afraid of. He knew he couldn't be harmed by his father again. He knew he'd never have to wake up in the middle of the night from a dream about his past. Most importantly, he knew he no longer was the reason for Izaya's years of silent suffering; he was the reason Izaya would be able to pull through. They could start over with one another, the way things had always meant to be. His face buried in to the crook of Izaya's neck and shoulder and he got a sleepy grunt as a reply. A smile curled up the corners and he inhaled, free from his pain at last. He stroked Izaya's velvety black hair and realized something else that made him grin.

Izaya smelled like a glorious rose.

.

..

...

**~FIN~**

**A/N:**

**I hope you enjoyed. This was sort of a roller coaster of emotion for me to write... but here it is, after all this time. I appreciate you all who read this even though you knew from it's summary just what would be inside. I also greatly appreciate all of you that stayed from the beginning and encouraged me to continue on with it.**

**Thank you everyone. I'm glad I didn't abandon this.**


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